The Bridge baptized a beautiful, young lady named Diana at our Christmas services. I thought you might like to kick off your 2011 with her testimony. I bet it sounds similar to many of you somewhere along the way -- sounds very familiar to me.
There's no way possible that this could be part of my plan. My heart is broken and the pain is unbearable. How can anything this horrific be part of some supposed 'beautiful plan'? That was me every time something went wrong in my life. If I knew then what I know now, I would have spent more time praising God in those 'horrific' times. Once you finally get it(and I don't mean just get it, I mean smack you square in the face kind of get it) you look back in awe. Everything finally starts to makes sense. All of the events from your past slowly start forming a huge puzzle. Sorting through each piece, you start learning the lessons and seeing the amazing beauty in each event.
I was raised in a small tight knitted congregation where almost everyone was related in one way or another. They all knew just the "need to know" stuff about each other, and were content with that. I don't remember ever hearing the weekly church gossip from the chatty elderly women. Everyone genuinely loved and cared for one another. I attended that church until I hit about 13. At that point in my life, God didn't seem as real to me than the life I was currently living. Boys started to look more interesting (and real for that matter) than Jesus did to me. Soon enough I began to dress a little differently, and before you knew it I started talking, acting and even looking different. My life started to take a turn at that point and people started noticing me. Although it may not have been in a positive manner, I still yearned for that attention. As the youngest of 4 children, you would think I would have gotten plenty of attention. I did, but it was never enough to fulfill this 'different' attention I was in search for. Eventually I would start turning to men to fulfill these needs that I had finally pushed to the surface. Those years were the hardest years of my life. At one point, I had actually named those years as some of my favorites. Today, they are no longer hard to look back on and I am blessed to be able to see the beauty in them. To my peers, I was the one almost always smiling and making people laugh, but on the inside, I was in deep pain. I kept searching for ways to fill this hole that kept getting deeper throughout my search for love from the world. Alcohol, sex and even drugs on occasion, seemed like the only way to make me think I felt good about myself. Every so often I would change my life and turn to God. I would briefly embrace God's Love and learn a little more each time He would bring me back. But it seemed that slowly my idols would creep into my life and I would run to them. I would then be right back into the lifestyle of searching for love from the world. I would think I found the love I needed in alcohol, male attention, and drugs. I see now that the pain I felt always seemed to disappear when I was on the narrow path, following God. But when I was walking down the wide path, the pain only grew deeper. The wide path was full of people wanting to help you ease your pain with a drink or a drug or in my experience, sexual attention. At the time the those idols seemed more fulfilling than trying to pray.. Those back and forth games I played with The Almighty Lord were what paved the way to my redemption. Every time I would have my 'good girl' act on I would retain more and more information that would eventually open my eyes to see what God had been doing all around me. Lately it had seemed that every time I would fall, the devil would pull me deeper each time. The last 'fall out' I had with God nearly led me right into the pits of hell. That's how I knew that God had different plans for me this time around. I was finally submissive enough to let Him completely into my heart. It didn't happen overnight though. I was given an amazing first-hand encounter with the presence of The Lord, but yet I still fell hard, once more. I still had to test it for some reason. I didn't trust in Him yet, much less trust myself completely. Slowly I started letting go and just letting Him catch me. The more I let go, the more peace, joy and love I felt in my heart. It was like I was the grinch before, and now my heart was growing. I started smiling at the little things that I had forgotten how to notice before. My relationship with my son was better than it had been in a long time. I genuinely started seeing the good in people and when I saw the bad, my heart longed to help them find this joy that I had been exposed to. My family seemed to take a whole new form right in front of my eyes. I saw how they all deeply loved me, and loved each other for that matter. Not the love where they feel obligated but the pure love that they had been given from The Lord. All these things began to flash in front of me and in an instant, I felt that Light flip back on in my heart brighter than it had ever shined. I am now aware that I am not in control of my life nor will I ever be. I know that when I fall, I need to turn to Him rather than the world. He is the only one who can save me from the darkness. Slowly but surely, I will be able to walk strong on my two feet but until then, I know that God will be delighted to carry me along beside Him. I know God has great plans for me and I can't wait to finally seal the door to my past and turn it into a window.
For a window is only for viewing and a door is to enter and exit. I know I don't want to use the door anymore. It’s time for reconstruction on my life, so that the walls in my heart are torn down and The Light can shine through. Never again do I want to hide that Light deep inside me.
Although I'm not sure where to start, I know He will pass his great carpentry skills on to me to assist me in building that window.
Diana's fiancee, James, was baptized at Christmas also. I see beautiful things on their horizon because of Jesus. I believe that they want to make Him famous. Time will tell.
